I've learned to lose you, can't afford to
by HRL
Summary: [Season 15 Spoilers] Episode Coda: 15x09 "The Trap" Exploring Castiel's thoughts while in Purgatory and hearing Dean's prayer, Dean's thoughts on Castiel volunteering to take the Mark to trap Chuck, and the aftermath of their encounter with Chuck to rescue Sam and Eileen.
1. Purgatory

Hey y'all!

It seems like I'm only posting every 2 1/2 years these days, but season 15 has awakened the writer in me, and this is also probably my way of holding onto the show and dragging this for as long as I can as I'm not sure I'll be able to write again after the final episode...

Anyway, as much as I LOVED episode 15x09 and as relieved as I was that things went pretty well considering the circumstances (aka nobody got trapped in Purgatory, or worse) there are some areas that I wanted to explore more. Dean's prayer went beyond my expectations, but I was really dying to know how Castiel reacted to the whole thing, so that first chapter is mainly Castiel-centric, as close as possible to canon, while they are in Purgatory.

And because I'm getting carried away with this, the second chapter will be longer and will hopefully fill some of the "holes" in the episode (like the fact our dear angel almost ended up with the Mark) and how Dean and Cas are processing their reconciliation.

Hope you like it :)

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** Chapter 1: Purgatory**

Their trip to Purgatory was going as well as they could have imagined. The Leviathans were still desperate to kill Castiel, and he had gotten separated from Dean. The monsters had left the hunter behind when they had captured the angel, in a rush to get him to Eve, but there was no guarantee that there weren't more monsters hiding, just waiting to attack the Winchester while he was on the ground. Castiel had managed to free himself from the Leviathans once they were far enough from Dean, seeing an opportunity in a clearing full of the blossoms they had been looking for, and just before they made it to Eve. The fight had been difficult as his power were failing and he had been outnumbered, but he had managed to kill two of the monsters and escaped from the rest, and after an hour or so, it looked like he had finally managed to lose them. He was hurt, and too weak to heal himself right away, but he had the blossom and he could make it back to the rift. He just had to find Dean first.

"_Cas_." Castiel had been walking for what felt like hours when he heard it, and stopped so abruptly that he almost fell.

_"Cas, I hope you can hear me. That wherever you are, it's not too late."_

The angel leaned against a tree for support as he realized that he was shaking. Dean was alive and he was praying for the first time in months. He had sometimes felt the hunter's longing as if he had been about to pray to him, but it had been a while since he had heard that voice so clearly, and with no hint of anger. He felt a wave a relief wash over him.

_"I should have stopped you."_

His legs felt weak. Hearing the words he had been hoping for made his heart beat so much faster.

_"You're my best friend but I just let you go…_ 'c_ause that was easier than admitting I was wrong."_

With his grace failing, everything had felt kind of muffled ever since Jack had died. Right now though, the hunter's prayer was so intense that Castiel felt like each word was radiating throughout his whole body.

_"I don't know why I get so angry. I just, I know that it's-it's just always been there._ _And when things go bad, it just... it comes out. And I-I can't stop it. No matter how… how bad I want to, I just can't stop it._ _And I forgive you,** of **_**_course_**_ I forgive you." _

Castiel closed his eyes for a second, feeling heat behind his eyelids. He took a deep breath and let a tear escape. He had wanted to hear those words for months, but hadn't realized how desperately he had needed the hunter's forgiveness until now.

_"I'm sorry it took me so long to. I'm sorry it took me til now to say it. Cas, I'm so sorry."_

He could hear the emotions and a vulnerability that Dean would only rarely show, and the tone of this voice was so heartbreaking so Castiel felt his throat closing and almost missed the actual apology. He couldn't help but shudder when his friend finished his prayer. He tried his best to ignore the pain he could feel radiating from his Dean words. What if he was hurt and had lost hope because Castiel couldn't find him?

_"Man, I hope you can hear me._ _I hope you can hear me_."

Dean's voice sounded unusually weaker and desperate and made Castiel want to yell, to call the hunter, but feared it would only give out his location to the Leviathans.

He didn't have the countdown on his phone like Dean had, but the angel knew that they had been here for a long time and the rift would be closing soon. Most likely in less than an hour. He used to have a better grasp on time, and thinking about yet another consequence of his failing grace made him wince.

Finally, he spotted the rift in the distance, its orange glow contrasting with the dull colors of Purgatory. He tried to stay calm but he could feel the panic rise when he realized that Dean was nowhere to be seen. Once again, he was faced with an impossible choice. He couldn't even imagine going through back to their world without the hunter; but on the other hand, he had the blossom and a chance to do the spell and to save Sam. To save their world. He couldn't throw that all away just because he had lost Dean, he knew the hunter wouldn't forgive if he did.

He figured the best way to find his friend and possibly go back to the bunker on time was to wait for him. If he searched through Purgatory, they could be running in circles for days before finding one another and the Leviathans would probably find him first.

Castiel slid down against a tree, feeling slightly dizzy from his wounds that were healing way too slowly, and waited. Without even realizing what he started praying, even though the hunter could not hear him.

_"Dean, I hope you're okay. I heard your prayer and it sounded like you were saying goodbye." _He took a deep breath, feeling a lump in his throat._ "Please don't make me leave this place without you."_

After what felt like days, but had probably just been a few minutes, he heard heavy steps and panting. His whole body tensed up, until he realized that the noise definitely sounded human. He was so relieved when he recognized his friend that he let out a sob.

\- "Dean." He called out as his friend was walking past him. The hunter immediately pointed his gun at him, for a split second, before he recognized the angel.

\- "Cas?" He replied, staring with disbelief at his friend who had to hold himself against the tree to stand up.

\- "You made it!" Castiel replied, feeling some of the tension leaving his body as relief washed over him, and finally realizing how exhausted he was from the fight with the Leviathans.

\- "I made it?" Asked Dean, surprised. After all, he hadn't been the ones taken away by Leviathans and currently bleeding.

Castiel walked towards the hunter and let himself fall into his embrace when he realized Dean's arms where reaching out to hug him. He instantly hugged back. They both let out deep sighs, happy to be reunited and finding comfort in each other's touch after weeks of fighting.

They reluctanctly let go to rapidly catch up on everything that happened while they got separated. Castiel's heart had been beaming since he had heard the hunter's prayer, but it almost exploded when he showed the blossom to his friend and saw his eyes gleaming with pride. After years of repeatedly screwing up, it felt good to do something right, something that could give them a shot at winning, the angel thought.

\- "Well they're still after me. We should hurry." He said, trying to sound as casual as possible. Reuniting with his best friend had definitely been the highlight of these past few months, but the last thing they needed was to get stuck in Purgatory.

\- "Okay Cas, I need to say something." Started Dean, taking a deep breath, before they both could move.

\- "You don't have to say it." Assured Cas. "I heard your prayer." He finished in a soft tone. He knew how difficult it was for the hunter to open up and didn't need to hear his apology in person. The prayer had been more than he could have expected, and he was just grateful that his friend had been honest, and still cared about him after everything they had been through. He gave him a reassuring smile.

It was subtle, but Dean looked slightly disappointed. Almost as if he wasn't about to repeat his apology, but say something else.

They started walked towards the rift while Dean checked his phone and announced: "Just about a minute left, let's not waste any time here."

Castiel stopped, just in front of the rift and turned to look around, making sure once last time that they weren't being followed.

"Let's go. Together." The hunter said, voice firm, holding out a slightly trembling hand that the angel immediately grabbed, lacing their fingers together with a shy smile. Dean squeezed his hand with a strong grip and the angel could see a hint of fear in his friend's eyes. There was no doubt he was reminiscing of the last time they had tried to leave purgatory together but this time, Castiel had no intention of letting go. He squeezed back as they walked through the portal and made it back to the bunker just in time.

The let go of each other's hand as soon as they were on the other side of the rift, exchanging shy smiles while watching it slowly close down behind them. They had barely made it.


	2. The Mark

Hey y'all! Sorry for the delay in posting this, I meant to do so over a week ago but life got in the way and I wanted to take the time to make small changes first.

Only 2 chapters for this one, but I have a couple of other ideas I'm working on so stay tuned!

Hope you're all staying home as much as possible and staying safe!

Enjoy :)

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**Chapter II: The Mark **

_"The let go of each other's hand as soon as they were on the other side of the rift, exchanging shy smiles while watching it slowly close down behind them. They had barely made it."_

His wounds still bleeding, Castiel decides to go to the bathroom, to clean himself up, taking a few minutes to heal with his weakened grace, while Dean is gathering the rest of the ingredients for the spell from the bunker's storage room.

When he finally comes out, almost fully healed, the hunter is sitting in the war room, elbows on the table, face hiding in his hands, looking defeated.

\- "What's wrong?" The angel asks, worried, as he approaches his friend.

\- "I didn't even think about it but I should have understood earlier…" Dean starts, quietly. He takes a deep breath and adds: "this must be the same spell used to lock the Darkness away… It says that for the entity to stay locked away, the key reside in a mark…"

\- "Like the Mark of Cain." Castiel interrupts, finally catching up.

While the angel was coming to terms with that realization, Dean feels the panic rise in his chest. He had barely survived it the first time around, things had become out of control so quickly. How long would he be able resist the second time around?

\- "I'll take it." Castiel says firmly, clearly seeing the terror on his friend's face. Saying that Dean is surprised hearing his words would be an understatement. "You already had the mark of Cain, it might interfere with the spell and we can't take that risk." Castiel says in a calm tone. "Plus there's a chance my grace might help bearing it", he adds, trying to sound reassuring although they both know it is very unlikely. The angel's grace had faded a lot, and even if he had been at full strength, the mark was very powerful and they both knew it.

Dean opens his mouth to protest, but realizes that they didn't really have any other options, or the time to look for one. He reluctantly nods. Just before the angel slices his hand to add his blood to the spell, and even though he already knew the answer, he can't help but ask one last time:

\- "Wait wait wait… are you sure?"

\- "Dean you've already taken the Mark you can't take it again. I can, it's the only way." Replies Castiel, trying to keep his voice as calm and reassuring as possible given what he is about to do.

Dean feels his heart slightly breaking as he tries not to think about how the Mark will affect Cas, and the fact that he might have to stop him. He'd give anything for the angel not to go ahead with the spell, but that would mean giving up on his brother, and that can't happen either. He nods, defeated as he's once again faced with an impossible choice and watches the angel finishing the spell.

After that, they don't talk much, both preoccupied with their mission, hoping Sam and Eileen are fine and that the spell will work, but also worried about its consequences. The car ride to the casino is tense and seems longer than it actually is, even though Dean drives well above most speed limits. However, as they are about to get out of the impala, Cas takes a deep breath and turns to Dean, who shrugs him off right away

"We're not saying goodbye or 'just in case'. And we'll talk later, okay?"

Cas doesn't reply but nods and smile, and Dean automatically smiles back. Then, they both get out of the car and focus on their upcoming fight with God.

As usual though, things don't go as planned, but a few hours later, they are all back to the bunker and even though Chuck is still around and Eileen has to leave, at least they are all alive and made it back home together, which definitely counts as a win.

Considering that Sam and Eileen had both been stuck with Chuck earlier that day while Dean and Cas almost got trapped in Purgatory, this day could have been much worse, Dean thought while chugging his third glass of whiskey.

\- "You should get some sleep as well." Castiel finally says, after sitting with his friend for a solid hour, both quiet and reflecting on their day.

Sam had made an appearance about twenty minutes earlier, but the younger hunter had quickly escaped to his room, even though they all knew he wouldn't get much sleep after everything he had seen and been through today.

Dean does not reply but nods. After another minute of silence, he gets up but stops next to the angel to ask:

\- "Cas… we good?" His tone sounds so shy and insecure that a wave of tenderness rushes through the angel.

\- "Yes Dean, we're fine." He replies, giving his friend his warmest smile.

\- "Ok." The hunter sighs, obviously relieved. He pats Cas' shoulder, letting the touch linger before dragging his hand away. "Goodnight", he adds before leaving the room.

\- "Goodnight Dean." Cas replies, watching him go.

He can tell his friend is still tense, and they probably need to have an actual conversation but he knows that Dean's prayer had been emotionally difficult on him, and with everything else going on, their relationship didn't seem to be a priority. For now, Castiel is just relieved to be at home with his friends and that the anger that had been building between the hunter and him since Mary's death had finally disappeared.

After sitting alone for a while, he decides to grab a few books from the library and go to his room to do some research. He reads the same page at least three times when he realizes that he is dozing off and his eyelids are feeling heavy. He had used a lot of grace in Purgatory, and he is feeling exhausted, but he doesn't want to sleep. He needs to feel useful. He decides to go and check on his friends instead.

He starts with Sam, who is sleeping deeply but obviously having nightmares. He let his fingers hover over his friend's forehead, using the little grace he has available to make some of the nightmares go away. When Sam's face looks less tormented, the angel decides to move to the other Winchester's room. Like his younger brother, he is probably asleep as the angel's soft knocks on his door are left unanswered; however Castiel is surprised to find the bed unmade, but empty.

He turns around and wanders around the bunker's hallways as he realizes that his friend probably hadn't been able to fall asleep. He decides to check the kitchen first and isn't surprised to find Dean there; although the hunter's position seems unusual. Instead of sitting at the kitchen table, he is on the floor, his back against the kitchen island and the unfinished bottle of whiskey from earlier in his hands. His eyes are closed, so he isn't aware of the angel's presence yet and Castiel thinks about leaving him alone for a second, to give him some space, but then, he spots the tears silently streaming down the hunter's face and isn't able to stop the words coming out of his mouth.

\- "Dean… What's wrong?" the angel quietly asks, slowly walking towards him.

Dean jumps when he heard his friend's voice, quickly rubbing his eyes with the back of his left hand to hide his tears.

\- "Dammit Cas, we should really get you a bell" he tries to joke. Seeing Castiel's concerned face, he adds: "It's just.. I am fine, it's just been a long 36 hours or so."

The angel knows that there is more to it for his friend to have a breakdown and barely even try to hide it, but knows that there was no point insisting right now, the hunter was way too stubborn.

\- "You're exhausted. Let's get you to bed." He says, offering his hand to Dean who immediately takes. Castiel almost pulls out once his friend is back on his feet, but ends up having to catch him as he crashes against his body, shaking.

He had been touching Dean more and more often as the years went by and their friendship had grown stronger, and it was the second time that day that they ended up holding onto each other, but this felt different. Usually, the hunter was clasping his shoulders, his body hard and strong even though he was always slightly melting into the embrace. Right now though, he is just a dead weight in Castiel's arms, holding onto him like a lifeline. He had wrapped his arms around him, a lot lower than usual, hands clutching his coat, and he had buried his face in his neck, breathing deeply. The angel moves the hand that was holding onto his friend's shoulder to rub his arm in a soothing gesture.

\- "Talk to me" begs Castiel in a voice so soft that Dean was only able to hear him because they were pressed against each other and couldn't physically get any closer.

The hunter takes a couple of deep breaths but doesn't let go. Much to the angel's surprise though, he starts talking, mumbling against Castiel's neck who can feel his lips moving against his skin and can't help but shiver.

\- "I went to check on Sam before going to bed. He still feels guilty about not trapping Chuck, you know? He felt like he needed to justify what happened and told me some of the stuff that Chuck showed him. Let's just say I started having nightmares as soon as I closed my eyes." He tries to laugh but only manages to make a strangled sound.

\- "It wasn't real though. Sam prevented all of this from happening." Replies Castiel, still stroking his friend's arm to soothe him.

\- "But it could have!" Dean cries out, pushing the angel away, letting the anger take over. "Things like us becoming a vampire and me killing Jody seemed surreal, but not impossible enough for me to laugh it off." He shudders. "And when it comes to losing you because of the Mark, just thinking about how close we were…" The anger disappears as quickly as it had appeared and the hunter was now looking like he was about to start crying again.

\- "Dean. The plan failed. I'm not getting the Mark." Castiel replies, slowly closing the distance between them again.

\- "I… I would have had to trap you in the Ma'lak box and bury you Cas. I can't… I can't imagine…" Dean's chest was heaving and his eyes were full of tears.

Castiel feels his heart breaking, seeing his friend struggling and timidly raises his hand to cup the hunter's cheek and dry some of his tears, feeling relieved when he immediately leans into his touch. They had never been so close before, so emotionally vulnerable, and despite the situation, the angel's heart rate was picking up. Only a few weeks ago, it had seemed like they might never be friends or trust each other again, and having the hunter open up to that extent was more than he could have ever hoped for, even 24 hours ago.

\- "I know I've been an asshole to you, especially lately, but I could never do that." Dean says after a while, his eyes closed again.

\- "Even if I asked you? Even to save the world?" Castiel asks shyly, his thumb softly stroking the hunter's cheek.

\- "Don't… I can't lose you Cas."Dean replies, opening his eyes to stare at his friends with pleading eyes. Craving more contact, he grabs his wrist, tracing patterns on the skin that wasn't covered by the trench coat.

\- "I'm the one who is supposed to look after you, and yet you've asked me to do the same several times before." Castiel says. "To stop you when you had the Mark. To let you sacrifice yourself to beat Amara. You almost locked yourself in that box last year and you weren't even planning on saying goodbye." He continues, his voice breaking towards the end. He cringes when he realizes that his voice had gotten louder. He was supposed to comfort his friend, not blame him for his past decisions, even though their conversation was bringing back difficult memories. He apologizes. "I'm sorry. I'm just trying to say that I understand how you feel, having gone through a similar situation before. I didn't mean to get angry." He adds, lowering his gaze, embarrassed.

\- "I'm sorry too." Dean replies. "For putting you in these situations. It wasn't fair to you. But I want you to know trust you with everything I have, and I don't want you to feel like I'm your responsibility, even though that's probably asking too much." Castiel tries to hide a smile but fails. The hunter had been a mission at first but had become his priority throughout the years and someone he would protect at all costs.

Lost in his thoughts, he realizes that Dean's face had become serious again, and almost shy. He takes a deep breath before speaking again.

\- "I wasn't planning on saying goodbye last year because I knew I wouldn't have the strength to leave if you asked me to stay. Sam figured it out, otherwise I wouldn't have said goodbye either. I wasn't strong enough to say no to either of you. I was afraid that you would offer to come with me, like you did for Amara, and I wouldn't be able to resist." He says in a low voice. "But please don't think that means I don't care about you, understood?" He adds, trying to lighten the mood.

\- "I understand." The angel replies with a smile.

As the air has cleared between them, Dean lets himself feel relaxed for the first time in days and lets a yawn escape. Castiel grabs his arm, tender and firm at the same time, and walks them to the hunter's room before he can protest.

Once Dean is settled in his bed and finally ready to get some rest, he silently stares at his friend, unable to say anything, even though he's dying to ask him to stick around, at least until he falls asleep. Not for the first time though, it seems like the angel understands his silent communication as he sits on the unoccupied side of the beds and says:

"I'll make sure the nightmares don't come back."

\- "You can't waste your grace on me Cas" The hunter tried to protest, feeling guilty when he thinks about how much grace the angel had probably used to fight the Leviathans.

"I just did it for Sam before finding you here and I feel fine. Let me do the same for you, please." Castiel begs. "I'll just need to rest to recharge. Maybe sleep an hour or two." He adds matter of factly.

\- "Okay." Dean caves. He takes a deep breath and asks shyly: "Will you stay with me?"

\- "I'd love to." Castiel replies with a bright smile, taking his shoes off to sits on the bed next to the hunter, back against the headboard.

Dean almost says that he should remove his coat and jacket to feel more comfortable, but it doesn't feel brave enough to get the words out. Castiel probably wouldn't feel the difference anyway, so he decides that he doesn't care, as long as the angel stays with him.

They stay silent for a while, Castiel waiting for his friend to fall asleep to put his grace to work if the nightmares come back, and Dean, lost in thoughts, too distracted by the angel's presence on his bed to fall asleep. He could barely contain his feelings for his best friend and was starting to believe that they weren't unrequited. "We are", Castiel had said about them when Dean had started doubting anything in his life was real.

\- "You know we won't find an easy way to get rid of Chuck and live happily ever after. That kind of stuff never happens to us." Dean thinks out loud. He sits up and leans forward on the bed, unable to hold to angel's gaze on him.

Castiel almost mentions that even when they do get to beat Chuck, there will be no happily ever after for him as he knows the Empty is just patiently waiting to collect him. However, he doesn't say anything, not wanting to add to the hunter's burden when he was already feeling so helpless. A few days ago, he would have been worried that the hunter would yell at him for making a stupid deal, or worse, not care at all. Tonight though, and after everything that had happened in the past few hours, he knows how much Dean would suffer from this and he isn't ready to make things even more painful for his friend..

\- "We'll figure something out." He said instead, in a soothing tone, putting a reassuring hand on the hunter's back. "And it probably won't be easy, but there's no need worrying about the consequences now when we don't know what they'll be." Dean nods and turns to look at him, with a small smile. This was more than Castiel could ask for. "You really should to sleep now, I'll watch over you."

\- "That's still a bit creepy, but thanks." Dean replies, and this time, his smile reached his eyes.He lies back down on the bed, turning his whole body towards the angel. He seems hesitant, but after a few minutes, Dean's hand emerges from under the cover to rest on the angel's stomach. Castiel slowly slides down the bed, until his face is close to Dean's, and he shifts his body to be able to wrap one arm around the hunter's shoulder, holding him close. So close that they could feel each other breathing.

\- "Goodnight Dean." He whispers.

\- "Night Cas." He replies, face flushed. He closes his eyes, feeling relaxed for the first time in days and falls asleep within minutes. It looks like the angel won't have to use his grace to keep the nightmares at bay after all.

Cas sighs. He would have to tell Dean about his deal with the Empty sooner than later. But for tonight, he was just going to let himself enjoy the moment.

Eventually, he falls asleep too, and with a smile on his face.


End file.
